Eugene Ruane's Really Effing Horrible Songs (October 2013)

 

 

Hooray, another list of shite!

However this one was a bit of a problem (compared to shit sit-coms) for me as I know less about contemporary music than anyone.

(I'm not kidding - I'm not sure why, but in about 1981, I just stopped listening to 'popular music')

So I just thought 'what has really got on your tits?"

For different reasons, these have.



10) Thriller - Michael Jackson.

Actually this might be a great song, but as I can't understand ONE fucking single word - "pituppeeDILLERRRRmilleriller".

MJ lookalike Michael Jacksie - he's BAD!


9) Cinderella Rockerfella - Esther & Abi Ofarim.

Imagine the level of shiteness your brain would be working at for you to look at all the music acts in the world for inspiration and decide 'Let's be like an Israeli Sonny & Cher, only EVEN shitter' (fact: I knew this was woeful garbage when I was 8).


 

MJohn Alderton's 'I'm Horny! Horny, Horny, Horny!' is given a new lease of life as 'Cinderella Rockafella'


8) Le Moribond - Jaques Brel

Very popular in France is Jaques and rightly so as he's boss, but this song is proof that (as the French say) 'Nous pouvons tous laisser tomber un bollock' - and he did with this song, because it was (sort of) translated years later and responsible for Terry fucking Jacks and fucking Seasons in the fucking Sun.



All my arse - Terry Jacksie

7) The Conga - Some Cuban

"Let's all do the Conga, dah-dah-dah-dah, HUY!" appear to be the lyrics (despite the Paper Lace version) and that one line, combined with that tune, have since the 1930s allowed a million parties to be destroyed by some 'life-and-soul', personality-free 'character' screaming 'CONGAAAAHH'.

6) Achy Breaky Heart - Billy Ray Cyrus.

85% of what I listen to comes under the heading 'Country Music' a (ahem) 'genre' often ridiculed by people who love an easy target and songs like this (by mulleted cunts like this) make that target luminous and a thousand feet high.

5) Layla - Eric Clapton


"It's a classic, he wrote if for Patti Boyd you know" (really - what a nob-head not calling it 'Pattie'
) I mean if you're looking for better lyrics, you'll find them in country music's Isthmian League and there are a million better voices than Eric 'Vote National Front!' Clapton.


I'm not normally a fan of dogs; this one should be knighted

4) Sugar Me - Lyndsey De Paul

Musicologists agree that had the lyrics been 'please put your penis in my vagina and let's have sexual intercourse' they would have been at least 17 times more subtle than 'Sugar Me' (and as she had no voice or talent, my guess is whoever gave her her break probably 'sugared' her all over the shop)
 

The Editor takes no responsibility for some of the utter twaddle posted by the contributors to this site
3)  Do Ya Think I'm Sexy? - Rod Stewart

Cuntcritude, cuntaciousness, cuntocity, cuntstance and of course, cuntyness (from a horrible big twat) (who is a cunt)



Why Punk had to Happen Vol 236: Rod Stewart

2) Knocked it Off - BA Robertson

A wry spry crisp-and-dry look at his own anus from a man so in love with himself, he's been mentioned in The Lancet by some of Britain's top chiropractors (having done his back in more than 200 times while attempting to fuck himself).

The non-thinking woman's Bruce Forsyth - BA  Robbersdog

1) Another Day in Paradise - Phil Collins.


"Hey guys I care about the homeless, you should too" says Phil..from his Swiss chateau made entirely from platinum bricks (before faxing his ex-wife "fuck off love I've got a new younger bird' - the disgusting tory twat).

Phil Collins lookalike Col Phillips

Ahhhh...very therapeutic - I enjoyed that!

Eugene.

PS: I might not know much about music, but If you're doing a straight-to-video London gangland films list...